Seminary Experience - DTS and God

Someone asked me the other day how my DTS experience has been so far...I'm not sure if I articulated well what all I've experienced in these past 4 years, but the question got me to think back to each year and what all God has taught me and shown me over the years. I guess I wanted to use this blog as an avenue to reflect back on this journey.


The Call
The actual call? Maybe it was during an alter call at church where they ask if you feel you are called to ministry or during a personal devotion...for me, it was a persistent, gradual tug that never went away over the years that confirmed that this was the direction He had for me. [Hindsight Reflection: It's interesting to look back and see little affirmations along the way because He literally cleared out every obstacle that stood in the way of me finishing the program. All I had to do on my end was to simply obey and do the work.]

I went into seminary with a lot of passion and purpose [at age 25] not really knowing what I was getting myself into, hoping to fulfill the "call" of God in my life--to be equipped with effectively and correctly using God's Word, to better understand how to use my skills and gifts in accordance with the "counseling" ministry to which I believe I've been called to, and, most importantly, to personally "know" my God on a deeper and intimate level. Whether it meant that I will practically use all that I will learn in seminary in the future on a vocational level, I had to leave that up to Him; however, I figured it was/is a journey well worth investing into, or so I thought. [Hindsight Reflection: It's interesting to see how little I focused on my own heart issues at this time and how little I knew of how God would impact me in this regard. I was so focused on what I would "do" for God and not on what HE would do IN me. A counseling ministry for someone who struggled with issues of abandonment, rejection, and other insecurities/"sins"...C'mon, God...what were You thinking??? At that point, I would have probably influenced more to stay away from the church, much less draw them closer to You]

Personal Reasons
Being a naturally curious and analytical person that I am, I had thought that if being a committed Christian [and a Christian leader at that--whatever that meant] meant that you are "all in" and your life now belongs to Someone else, I needed to know what I was getting myself into. If I'm living on this earth for 80 (or so) years and I needed to be fully committed to a higher purpose, what does that all mean? I wanted to count my cost, satisfy this deep hunger for the Word, to "intellectually know" my Savior and my God, and answer all these questions I had about theology, etcetera etcetera. And learning on a weekly basis from church, personal QTs, and through small groups were not enough. To be honest, some personal quiet times were very frustrating because my questions were never really answered and I had to "pray and wait" for something to come...and sometimes, it never came...or I found myself making feeble attempts at understanding the Word when I didn't get it. You know how we make the mistake of making the Bible "fit" into our life circumstances and use it as a coping mechanism rather than knowing it for what it really is and for what it intends?

Background
In April 2007, I had moved to Texas after following my dad to a new state with big hopes of beginning a new life and rekindling a broken relationship. I saw the way that God has transformed my life up to this point and the way He's orchestrated certain folks in my life both in the hardest of times (in the latter years of my time in Cali and my years in DC) to help me in my Christian walk. Prior to beginning seminary, He's shown me that in spite of how I grew up and beyond what life gives me, He is sovereign and that He had a plan for my life--this I knew at age 19. All the hardships and the tears that followed were going to be redeemed and used for a bigger purpose. But how? I didn't know.

Anyway, fast forward a year...my dad had left Texas, leaving me in the desert with no family around and no big purpose for me to be here, or so I thought. [Hindsight Reflection: Little did I know that God had a bigger plan for me than my "plans" to mend a broken relationship with my father. That same year in 2007 in this same order, I got a job in downtown Dallas which is located 5 minutes from DTS after many failed interviews, applied to DTS, found a ministry that helped pay for my first semester of school, got accepted to DTS, got a promotion at work to help pay for future classes and establish trust with a boss to allow for flexible schedules in the future]. Wow...all happened like clockwork. Was I ready for the new position at work? Heck no. Was I ready for the all the hours and hours of reading and writing papers? Proooobably not. Did I try to manage all that was on my plate? Yes...I remember desperately wanting to be in school full-time and working only part-time to fully immerse myself in school. [Hindsight Reflection: It took 4 years to be where I am now - go to school full-time. Had I had that chance sooner, I probably would have not given glory to God for "my successes or good grades or what have you," but would have taken credit for it myself. In spite of all that took place in these past 4 years, I glory in God's goodness and His faithfulness...as you can see below]

Yet, I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9. God's power being made perfect in weakness. I experienced God's power in my weakness(es)...

...when my roommate would help me finish my homework because I would pass out from being exhausted from work and school.

...when my teachers would randomly announce that we could have open-book, take-home tests when I would come to class unprepared.

...when my classmate would randomly give me a completed study guide a week before my final exam.

...when I would bump into another DTS student in between classes to talk about the purpose of seminary and life after and I would leave feeling encouraged.

...when God would provide finances in unexpected ways to enable me to pay for class(es) each and every semester.

...when I would receive a practicum site right before my practicum class would begin and finish my practicum hours before the class ended.

...when friends would lend me books for book(s) required for class or I would find it in the library!

...when friends remained friends during this process.

...when God would provide an opportunity to counsel an individual who dealt with the same issues as I've dealt with in the past and I would experience healing in simply ministering to this individual.

...when the school gave us 20 free counseling sessions to work on our own issues and further experience the importance of counseling for ourselves.

...when this guy decided to marry me in spite of me dealing with all that I was dealing with.

...when we were able to invite 300 guests to our wedding and go on a honeymoon that we somehow managed to afford.

...when I was able to purchase a home and use it to bless others.

...when God enabled us to go on 2 mission trips after raising enough funds for each. [the second one, I'm declaring in faith!]

...when I was able to understand my own emotions of why I reacted to certain people in certain ways.

...when my counselees would thank me for helping them and praying for them.

I think you get the point. When I think of my seminary experience, I no longer see it as it being about me and what I'm accomplishing for God. It started out that way--focus being on my needs and desires to please God. It, for me, has been about HIM...what God is doing with a prideful individual with many insecurities and doubts to simply obey Him because of His great love for me. Some of my closest friends would say that I struggle with trust issues--What God has been doing in my life, in and through seminary, is proving to me that He is trustworthy. He has a plan, an agenda, and seminary is a part of the process of sanctification for my walk with Him. He got to the heart issue at hand...to what really mattered. Sure, I learned a lot of biblical knowledge, a lot of counseling methods and techniques along the way, and met a lot of interesting people. But most importantly, He has shown me over the past four years is that He is faithful, He is loving, and that He is Sovereign. Three simple facts..........but it took years to learn. You know, it doesn't matter what you know in your mind if you don't experience it in your heart...and as far as ministry is concerned (when it comes to giving to others), what you teach from the heart truly is more powerful, impactful, and more effective than what you can teach simply on an intellectual level. Try it sometime!

So was it/is it worth the $45K in tuition fees and 4 years of my life? So far, yes.....but come talk to me after I graduate in a year. :) I bet the answer will be the same.

Anyway, I'm not sure whether I wrote this for myself or for the readers out there. But, this was very therapeutic for me to write. I hope you are blessed in some way.